20

The 20th came and went. I am a little less employed that previously. I thought I would feel relief. Instead, I feel indifference. I suppose the change has not impacted my life quite yet.

It will.

Eventually.

In the mean time, I have plenty to occupy my attention. The same cannot be said for my pocketbook.

In college, I was obsessed with VH1's Behind the Music. Gosh, I wish they would bring that show back. At that time, I would watch a story on any musician. I did not care if I was familiar with his or her music or not. I just wanted to hear their stories. There was one episode that highlighted one of my favorite guys. He spoke a lot regarding how his mind was almost his demise - how he was so afraid of his success that he did not know what to do when he achieved it. For most of his twenties he was a struggling musician who partied too much and could barely make ends meet. Seemingly overnight, he had a home, money, and people calling to request he write songs for them. He said something to the effect of, "All my life I had something to fall back on. I was a delivery guy and a musician. I was a bouncer and a musician. I was a student and a musician. All of the sudden, all I was was a musician and I asked, 'Is this what I am supposed to be? Am I really a musician?'" In essence, this man had to alter his sense of identity, to redefine his understanding of himself. He had to put himself completely into one role and risked everything. It scared the shit out of him.

I totally get it.

For the first time in a long time, I now have one primary profession. It will not last long, as I have other projects in the wings, but for now, I would define myself as a teacher. J, of course, would prefer to refer to me as a professor. Being a teacher, in general, does not pay well. It involves a lot of buracraucy. It can be unsteady work. It can even be a bit stressful. For several years now, I have had the honor of teaching at the college level. In general, I have loved every moment. It has allowed me to be creative, to learn new things, and to be paid for my hobby. Of course, there have been periods of stress, times when I've taken on too many classes and have been overworked, and moments of pure frustration. I've been disappointed by many students, but have had the honor of inspiring others. There are days when I am certainly not as effective at presenting material as I ought to be. Other days, I make connections with students and open their minds in ways that others have failed in the past. Being a teacher is unpredictable. One does not have control over who steps into his or her classroom. One cannot influence the events of the world and the connections that may be made between the same and class materials. In the past, the unpredictability associated with academics has had little influence on my life, as I've always had my 'day job' on which to fall back. Now, that is not as much the case. Like the musician mentioned above, I find myself asking, "Is this what I am meant to do". Further, I wonder, "Am I supposed to be a teacher?".

By this point in my life, I feel like I ought to have figured it all out. The truth is: I haven't.

For now, my answer is simply: I think so.