Catwalk

This evening I strolled on the catwalk outside of my classroom while enjoying a few breaths of fresh air before walking into my two and half hour class. I may often be found outside right before class. I like greeting students as they approach the room. I like watching people scurry across the quad below. It distracts me. It calms me too. It is a method I use to focus.

This evening I observed one of my former students as she smoked a cigarette. She looked like hell. Her hair was dyed an unnatural red. Her eye makeup was both heavy and smeared. She has lost weight and her brow furrowed. She noticed my gaze in her direction. She looked down and disposed of her cigarette quickly.

It has been about a year since the woman was in my class. She was a running start student taking an introductory course. She could not be more than sixteen years old when when I had her. She sat in the second row on the left side of the class. She preferred the end seat. As I recall, the woman was a good student. She participated in class discussions. She tested well. She was diligent and well-spoken. I remember liking her. I recall thinking she would make something of herself and that she was on her way. She was the type of student I hope will remember me. I hope I impacted her.

Tonight, however, the woman was not the person I once knew. She was a shadow of her former self. As I walked towards my classroom, the woman realized I was coming her way. She panicked. She looked up, locked eyes with me, and started blubbering.

She said, "Hi. You probably don't remember me. I'm S. I was in your class last year". I replied I did remember her- quite well in fact. I proved the same by referring to her preferred seat and asking her about her high school. She smiled briefly. I moved to proceed to my class and she looked stressed by the same. I hesitated and felt moved to engage further. I asked her how she was doing. She replied, "B, I am not okay. Last Thursday, my boyfriend broke-up with me. The next night we got back together. Over the weekend, we slept together a few times and then on Monday he broke up with me in front of his friends claiming we were never back together. Oh yeah, and I am told there is a rumor going around school that I am pregnant".

Whoa. I hesitated. Why would a student tell an instructor such information? Did she need to get it out? Was she desperate for someone, anyone, to care? What was the appropriate response? As I considered these questions, I noticed that three of my students from the current quarter were standing nearby with their jaws open seemingly stopped dead in their tracks. I was eager to end the interaction.

I hesitated a bit more. I thought about this girl and thought about how, in the big picture of life, this moment, which seems to be the end of her world is simply a drop in the bucket. It will pass. It will be fine. I thought about others I know her age. A fair number of my cousins (A, D, R, A, and E) are all about her age. I thought about one of them being in such a situation. It stressed me more.

I often find myself conflicted between my professional roles in life. In one of my careers, I am a counselor. In the other, a teacher. In some respects, the two compliment each other. In others, they blur situations to the point where I am unsure of my responsibility. There have been times in the past where I have invested too much in students out of professional obligation, a sense of liability, and my own neurotic personality. Luckily, such efforts, from my perspective, have paid off. For example, one of my students contacted me to report that she will be sober for 120 days this week. She thanked me for my role in the same. One of my students last fall was suicidal. I spent a lot of time working with her and eventually helped facilitate ongoing treatment. Of course, these situations are clearly exceptions to my typical student population, but the fact is that they are present. At times, my role as a counselor positively impacts my ability to be effective as an educator. At other times, however, I do not want to worry about my students outside of class time. I want to maintain boundaries that are healthy for me and serve in the appropriate role for my students. I want them to know I care without causing them to rely on me too much.

I validated the fact that woman from this evening was having a difficult time. I assured her things will get better. I told her to email me if she needs to talk. I was basically at a loss regarding what else I could do....

And I was late for class...