Dire

My mother-in-law's illness continues to worsen. She seems to be in the final stages of the disease. Her death is eminent.

In general, I am not too upset by her illness and the fact that she will not be around much longer. Of course, it is hard to see her bodily functions decline. The feelings of helplessness that accompany the same are sometimes frustrating and even infuriating. Yet, I find solace in the sense of peace she seems to have. She is not disturbed by the thought of death. She sees it as a journey. I also feel that she and I have a good relationship. She and I have said what we need to say to one another. If either of us were to leave the world today, I think we'd both feel peace at mind regarding our relationship.

I am certainly not delusional enough to think that my mother-in-law and I are best friends. We are very different. We have different beliefs regarding religion. We vary in our political views. We have different preferences in music, decorations, food, etc. If being honest, she and I would both agree that I am not the woman she envisioned for her son to marry. I suspect in the perfect world, she would have picked someone who is perpetually barefoot and pregnant who spends a majority of time in kitchen cooking when not knitting or quilting. Clearly, I am not that person. Although I would like to emulate aspects of such a woman, I will never be her. I am a workaholic. I am independent. I have no culinary talent. I do not find my identity in serving my spouse. With that said, I think my mother-in-law accepts me for who I am and sees that I add to her son's life. She seems to understand why we got together. I think she even sees strengths in me as a woman that she did not even know she wanted in her son's life. Despite our differences, my mother-in-law and I respect and value each other.

Even though I have am okay with her illness and the fact that she is slipping away fast, my mother-in-law's illness is not always easy. It is difficult to make her comfortable and to attend to all of her needs. I do not like to worry about my husband's sadness. I mourn for my children's grandmother. It is hard to see my father-in-law so stressed. It is difficult to read the expressions of my brother-in-law and to offer him the support he deserves. Those are more global emotions though. They do not define specific moments with her, but are overall themes in my life at this time. There are times that are difficult to handle such as when she is choking, or looks at one of us with hopelessness in her eyes because she knows she cannot effectively communicate, but those moments pass quickly. I refuse to hold on to them and will not allow them to define my time with her. These are not the moments I care to recall after she is gone so I work hard to create new moments and to shift our focus.

With all of that said, a situation occurred today that made a more lasting impression on me. It weighs on my mind a bit and I am not sure I can let it go as quickly as the others. It confirmed the fact that my mother-in-law is drastically worse than she was a month, a week, or even a few days ago. It reinforced how dire the situation is and made me acknowledge the fact that the entire family knows the end is near. Today I listened to my husband as he called the local fire station. He said, "My mother [] is in the end-stage of ALS. She will be gone soon. I was instructed by hospice to call you. Although there is paperwork on the fridge, we'd like you to take note at the station that my mother does not want to be resuscitated. She does not want a trach. She does want to intubated. Please let her go".

I cannot imagine making such a call. I admire J's bravery. My heart breaks for him.

I am glad the call was made. It was a long-time coming.