ALS

My mother-in-law was given a provisional diagnosis of ALS last week. She should have a firm diagnosis by the conclusion of the month. A diagnosis of ALS is not welcomed. The prognosis for the disease is not good. A quick review of the data available on the internet reveals that if she does, in fact, have the disease, my mother-in-law may not be around for an extended period of time. The symptoms she currently displays are consistent with a faster version of the disease, which further compromises her future.

From what I know, ALS can be a pretty nasty disease. It is ruthless to its victims. It takes over a person's body and slowly destroys its physical processes while sparing one's cognitive functions. My mother-in-law is remarkable in the fact that she is at peace with the prospect of death. She is not concerned with the fact that this diagnosis most certainly means that she will face a premature death. Her faith is strong and she believes in an afterlife to which she looks forward. She is concerned, however, with the process of dying. She does not want to lose her physical functions. She does not want to lose control of her life. She becomes frustrated even now at this early stage in her illness as her mental processes exceed her physical abilities. With that said, she remains graceful and completely open and willing to discuss her experiences with whomever is interested.

J is going through a lot. He has much to process. As children, we do not want to consider our parents' mortality. Instead, we want to view our parents as our caregivers. We expect them to be around to support us. We do not want to consider their weaknesses. Especially at our ages, we do not want to contemplate their departures from our lives. J is taking awhile to process the diagnosis and what it means to his mother's life, to his family's lives, to his life, and to our lives together. For the most part, he is quiet. It seems as if he is unsure of what to say. One can see the concern on his face though. One can see that he is stressed.

As J's wife, I am unsure regarding how to react. I am having a hard time processing the whole situation for myself and therefore am unsure of what to say to him. For now, I remain pretty quiet. We will process the situation together once we each sort through our own thoughts. I suppose at that time we will start conversing with others within the family more too.

Overall, my mother-in-law and I have a good relationship. Of course, we have our differences, but are able to respect those differences without too much difficulty. I know that her illness will be hard on me, but I feel that I am up for the challenge. I will help when I can. I will be supportive. I will try to make her comfortable. I will do whatever I can to make the situation the best it can be.

There is a certain amount of guilt that accompanies my consideration of her illness. You see, the only thing my mother-in-law has ever wanted from me out of the past several years (except to love J, of course) is grandchildren. This is a task I have failed. J and I do not have children. I am unsure if we ever will. I know, in general, the guilt is ridiculous. If I had to do things over knowing that she may become ill, I do not think I would alter our choices. I am not sure anything would change. Yet, there is a certain amount of guilt that persists.

Over the next few weeks, I imagine that J and I (as well as the rest of the family) will remain paralyzed by our fears. I suppose that we will continue to process our thoughts. We will have to plan for our futures. I hope that our focus as a family changes. My hope is that we may pull together as a family and refocus our energy. I hope that, as horrible as this whole experience may be, we will come together to reevaluate what is important in life. I hope that, at least for as long is we can, we all start living.