Smoothly

Tomorrow marks my last day at my "day job". I have a lot of mixed emotions about it. I think that I am supposed to be excited, but I am not. I am not dreading it though either. I do not really believe that I will go. I think that, in one way or another (much to my horror), I will remain connected to the company for some time. My boss likes the work that I do, there is a shortage of employees, and I am a sucker -- the combination of these three factors will most likely result in some type of on-going contractual arrangement.

I am having a really hard time accepting the fact that there are people I will no longer see on a daily basis. There are some people that I literally see or talk with everyday. The idea of these interactions being absent from my life is overwhelming to me. Over the past week, I received an outpouring of wonderful cards, beautiful flowers, and even a fabulous gift certificate to The Melting Pot. I am surprised by how sweet everyone has been to me. Their generosity, although appreciated, is not neccesary. I feel awkward accepting gifts from others. I do not want people to feel obligated to get me anything. I do not feel particularly comfortable with the attention that accompanies a party in my honor either. With that said, of all of the gifts thus far, I think that the cards mean the most to me at this point. I enjoy reading people's thoughts on the work that we do, etc. It is funny to recall the memories that they mention in the context of their messages too.

Several people have commended me on my courage. They commented that it is brave of me to leave the company to pursue other things in life. They indicate that they admire my willingness to take this step in my life without a solid plan in place. I am glad they see that. I wish I could too, but right now I just feel foolish. I am not really sure what it is that I am trying to achieve by making this transition. I understand that I had to adjust my life to make the demands on me more reasonable and achievable, but I am not positive that this was the way to go about doing the same. I hope that I made the right decision. I hope that the next two days go smoothly. I hope when I wake up on Monday morning that I do not feel overwhelming regret.

I hope that this really is not about foolishness and is about courage.