Opportunities

Ever since this did not happen for me, or actually even before then, I have considered the idea of returning to school. The fact is, I feel like I need to -- whether it be just to stimulate my brain or to provide additional opportunities for myself or perhaps due to a combination of the two, I am not really sure.

At the end of the day, I think I want to teach. I have fun doing so. It challenges me. I seem to be decent enough at it. Although I still find joy in my other chosen field, my frustrations with it run high, my consideration of liability occurs too often, and there really is not a whole lot of room to grow. It is true that I enjoy the challenge of writing a phenomenal assessment and in helping those who may otherwise go ignored, but the thing is that I think I will always be doing those things in one form or another. I suppose my urgency to change is further complicated by the departure or impending departure of good friends with whom I enjoyed doing the work. Even though we did not work side-by-side, the sense of camaraderie for me remained. One left to have babies, another to make more dough, another will return to school soon, and one decided to switch careers to be a teacher. Certainly it is not fair of me to suggest that I have remained in this field due to the people, but in many ways, I have. They are people I care about. People that I admire. People that I love.

One person in particular will depart soon to pursue his own dreams. People suggested I consider taking his place. The fact is that no one can take his place ...but I considered it. My girl K said the other day, "I'd love to have you do it, but you'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. You'd be coming out of obligation to him, his work, the team, and the clients. You wouldn't be doing what is right for you". She is probably correct. She is insightful that way.

I continued to think about her comment while on the beach this past weekend. I thought about why I stay connected and why I do not move on. The fact is I felt like I belonged. I felt like I made a difference each day. I like that feeling. Alas, we must all move on, grow up, and consider our dreams. I can belong elsewhere. :)

With my thoughts on growing up and achieving my goals, I came back to my internal debate regarding going back to school. I struggle between working towards my doctorate so that I may be more marketable at the college level in light of academic inflation and simply going back and getting a teaching certificate (as I originally intended) so I may teach younger grades. Out of the two, the teaching cert would be much simpler, less expensive, and the safe route. The PhD, on the other hand, would take up most of my time, supply me with great debt, and guarantees me nothing. Typically, with such a large decision, I would simply go with my gut. Alas, my gut said nothing and my mind worked overtime.

One thing I have been careful about this time around is not to rush into a decision. I am trying to ignore the timelines in my head and to allow life to simply be. I am young. I have time to make mistakes. With that said, one of the programs I considered for teaching is about to drastically restructure. Beginning in the Fall, the program will be an additional 15 credits and several thousand dollars. My search for a PhD program remains limited by my responsibilities, experience, mortgage, and quite frankly, my marriage. As I see things, I have few options. Therefore, I decided to apply for the teaching cert program.

I expected to feel relief after applying for the program. Yet, I had none. I do not feel excited. I am not anxious. It was like paying a bill.

It bothers me.