Postformal

There is this man I adore. Actually, there are many men I adore, but one in particular to which I refer. He is wonderful. I have had the pleasure of knowing him for several years. He pushes me to think. He expects the best from me. He supports me. He allows me the opportunity to make mistakes. He is kind to me always. I speak with him frequently, but not as I often as I would like. In many ways, he is the voice inside of my head. Some people think "WWJD"? I think, "WWMD".

Last week this man told me a story about teaching his nephew to golf. He talked a little about fluidity, focus, and coming to terms with the fact that "you suck" and breaking down one's assumptions so that real learning may begin to occur. To be honest, golf is of little interest to me. I do, however, enjoy stories regarding this man's interactions with his nephew so I paid attention. At one point, he said something along the lines of, "I told him that golf is just about managing a series of failures".

I stopped listening.

Although his statement referenced golf, I immediately translated it into something more global -- something that made sense to me (golf does not). I thought of golf as a metaphor and heard the phrase "Life is just about managing a series of failures".

One of my biggest fears in life is failing -- of not being this great person who impacts the world. At the risk of sounding like the Army, I am afraid of not being all who I can be - of not reaching my full potential. What if I never amount to anything? What if life does not go the way I plan?

In my development class, we are discussing the 'Early Adulthood' phase of life. This phase, according to the class's text's publisher, occurs from between the ages of 20-40. It discusses Erikson's thoughts on identity vs. role confusion and on generativty vs. stagnation, etc. It also introduces the idea of postformal thought, a stage beyond that in which Piaget argued exists in cognitive development. If I were to summarize all of the 3 chapters that make up this section of the text, I would say: Basically, it seems that during early adulthood people are preoccupied with establishing themselves. They're busy living up to others' demands. Then, they come to the realization that they do not know everything -- or even much, which leads to a qualitatively different way of thinking.

To introduce this section of the course to my students, I had them each take out a piece of paper. They separated it into 4 columns. I had them write down what they think they should (or thought they would) accomplish in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s. I then started listing the items on the board. There was a distinct pattern. It seems that a majority of my students believed they should earn a degree and be married sometimes in their 20s; and buy a house, work on their careers, and have kids in their 30s. In their 40s, most students stated they'd continue working, focus more on vacationing, and maintaining health. In their 50s, they'd like to vacation some more, reduce their workloads and see their children off to college. Interestingly enough, there was an overall trend that my students felt that one does not really have time to settle down and enjoy life until in his or her 40s - how ridiculous.

I will admit that I maintain my own personal timeline in my head. In many ways, I resent the timeline, as I do not follow it and in the few instances that I have, I have sacrificed opportunities. Each time I do not meet one of the benchmarks on my theoretical timeline, I beat myself up for it. I feel as if I have failed. This practice is not only ridiculous. It is unfair. Being critical of myself for living rather than meeting non-existent deadlines is silly. To consider myself a failure for the same is wrong. As I sit here and consider this further, it occurs to me that I will always be setting impossible standards for myself. In some ways, I suppose this is good. In others, it is bad. With the impossible standards undoubtedly will come failure. From now on, I am going to think of these in a new light. From now on, life is just about managing the failures.

I am okay with that.