Imperfections

The first exam of the quarter is always a bit nerve-wracking for me. I become anxious regarding my students' performance. Before I walk into the classroom, I wonder: "Is the test fair? Did I word things well? Did I cover that which I am testing adequately during the context of my lectures?". Further, as I correct the tests, I find myself wincing with each missed question. I somehow attribute students' mistakes as my failures. Even though I know it is not true, or even logical for that matter, I blame myself for my students' grades. I think if they fail their tests, it is my fault. Similarly, if they ace the material, I give myself a pat on the back. I find myself to be self-centered and assuming all of the responsibility for the scores. I fail to attribute the accumulated points to their efforts, their natural abilities, or the time they spent studying, etc.

As of today, the first exam of the quarter is now complete. I proctored it a few hours ago. The scores were distributed rather evenly. There is a decent bell curve. Statistically, it appears that I did a good job presenting the information. If the scores were much higher, they would indicate that the test was too easy. If much lower, one might assume the test was too difficult or I failed to teach the material. With the way the distribution sits now, it appears that the test is reliable and that the scores appear to be valid.

Despite this knowledge, there is something that bothers me. You see, one of my students e-mailed me last night. He complained that he feels that my lectures are sporadic and that they do not follow the book page by page. He added that the study guide I provided also does not seem to follow the book in the same order. He said, "I am a systematic learner. I need to go in order. I really hope that your test doesn't jump around to or I'll be in trouble". He added, "I've always been a great test taker. I don't have to read the book or take notes and I always get As. I am not sure that I will maintain my 4.0".

I take student input very seriously. I work very hard to make my pupils feel comfortable in the classroom. I want students to feel free to express new ideas and to question society. I also work to be approachable. I am pleased that this particular student voiced his concerns/offered his complaint. Yet, I am not sure that it is valid. It is true -- I do not follow the book page by page. I have certain topics that I am sure to touch on, but other than that, I have no specific plan. I usually start a class with a general question and see where the conversation takes us. I figure students can read the book on their own time. Class, in my opinion, is for exploring new ideas, questioning each other, and thinking critically. Sometimes the class discussion mirrors the text. Sometimes it does not. I do not obsess over the gaps between the two.

Although I know my methods are not the most traditional, I think that they work (for the most part). They are mine. They are what sets me apart from the 50 something year-old men in my department. When I am a good instructor, it is because I am me in class, not because I am particularly intelligent and not because I am living up to someone else's course plan. I e-mailed my student back indicating the same. Afterall, it is just not possible for me to be me while trying to please everyone else.

As it turned out, the student who e-mailed me did not arrive to class until almost 20 minutes after the exam began -- a move I identified as rather passive-aggressive. It did not bother me though, as it has no lasting impact on my life. The student, despite his complaints and dissatisfaction with my presentations, did fairly well on the test. He only missed 4 questions. He did not get a 4.0 on his test. Chances are that he will not earn a 4.0 in my class either. It seems, however, that my class is as good of a place as any to learn that a person cannot be perfect all of the time. It is the imperfections afterall, as with my lectures, that make us human...

The imperfections make us who we are....