Backfire

Each week I read the postcards on postsecret.com (see the link to the right). Sometimes the notes are touching. Sometimes they are a bit crude. Some are just down right odd. I often wonder what possesses people to send their particular notes. I also contemplate what I would send in if I chose to participate.

Last week, the postcard displayed above was on the site. It says, "I will lie in my grave dreaming of things I might have been". The card disturbed me - a lot. As I reflected on it, I realized that given a few more years (or even more than that), this sentiment could be applied to my own life. Is this statement a bit dramatic? Absolutely. True just the same? Unfortunately, yes. Due to a variety of circumstances, including my job, I have recently put myself in an impossible situation. With that thought (and many others) in mind, I resigned. Yep, quit my job. I will not be transferring to another department. I will not be reducing my hours to work part-time so that I may accommodate the other aspects of my life. I am leaving the company -- completely.

As I mentioned before, I was in a rut. For whatever reason, I was incapable of pulling myself out of it. I am slowly starting to think that is fine. I choose to focus on other things instead. I am giving myself permission to be okay with my choice. The fact is that I have other things I would like to pursue. There are things that I would like to do and opportunities I would at least like to have the time to consider. I do not want to get to the end of my life and realize that I short-changed myself. I think I owe it to myself to try. Right now seems like a pretty good time to do that too, as my debt is limited, I do not have children to feed, and I even have a small (and I mean small) savings set aside.

For the first time in my life, I do not have a plan in place. This fact terrifies me. I am not sure what the next step will be for me. I am trusting my ability to figure things out. I hope that I am able to find another job in the near future, as J and I are not well off. Before I do that, however, I am going to give myself a brief break. You see, over the past few years, my job has literally monopolized my entire life. I need to get to know myself again independent from this position. I will have to make peace with that person too. I have many other things to figure out as well. As I embark on that adventure, I hope that I can remain brave...

I hope it does not all backfire.... :)