Quarter

I have come to terms with the fact that I am going through some weird quarter-life crisis. I am discontent. I am constantly seeking peace, but am unable to capture the same. I am lucky and I know it, but I still want something different. I want that which I do not necessarily need or deserve.

At first, I thought that this whole thing was pms gone bad (sorry I). Then, I thought perhaps it was a weird reaction to some things I have gone through -- like losing our baby. Then, I thought, "Oh, this is a stage that takes place in a person's early twenties". Now, as time goes on, I am afraid that this may not be a stage, or quarter-life crisis, as I suggest, but instead could be some type of horrible personality flaw. Since clearly I have not had pms for months in a row and I am unable to swallow the possibility that I am somehow defective, the only plausible explanation, out of the three, must be that I am having a crisis, correct?

If I am, in fact, experiencing a crisis, Erikson and other theorists would suggest that I must resolve the crisis to move on with my development and to progress to the next stage of my life. I find myself once again looking for meaning. I recently read a quote by Abraham Lincoln. He said, "It is not about years in your life, but about the life in your years". Maybe I am naive, but that statement seems brilliant to me. Lincoln's words seem incredibly insightful and really prompted me to think about the motivations in my life. Why do I engage in the activities that I do? What is the point? Why I am busting my ass for 60+ hours a week when tomorrow I could just die of a heart attack? Why not work hard here and there and play for a majority of the time?

Tomorrow I have an interview. It is for a position that would take me away from the clinical work that I have clung on to for the past several years. In many respects the job would be perfect for me. I would have a flexible schedule, which would allow me to teach classes as I desire, to go home for lunch if I felt inspired, etc. I would no longer have to supervise a team of people either. I would not have to stress about covering someone's tasks if he or she failed to come in to work. I would not have to worry about hiring and training people. I would not be responsible for employee evaluations. It is not that I do not like supervising others or anything, but it would be a welcomed break not to have to worry about my employees' needs in addition to those of the company and myself.

The position that I am applying for is a team-directed position, which means that those in the department choose what they want to work on. In essence, I would determine which projects to take on and how to spend my time. The new position, if offered to me, would allow me a new level of freedom with less liability. I would be exposed to different facets of the system and would be able to have some input regarding how our organization is run. I would most likely not make any more money than I do now, but I would remain in management.

I am not sure how the interview will go. In many respects, I am an excellent candidate for it. I know the system, am somewhat intelligent, and care about the people we serve. On the other hand, I am not as politically savvy as others. I tend to expect a lot out of people too. ---- I do not know. I will meet with interview panel and see what they have to say. I will allow them to evaluate me for the job and I will attempt to learn more about the position so that I may consider whether or not I am a good fit for it.

Either way though, I see that I will not remain in my current position for much longer-- despite my supervisor's best efforts to convince me otherwise. As teaching opportunities continue to present themselves, I find myself wanting to make myself more available to them. I cannot teach multiple classes well while remaining effective in my current position. I do not want to keep trying to either. It is all too exhausting.

So, tomorrow I will pursue new opportunities. I will once again consider the possibilities. I will continue to rectify my crisis....