Intense

Over the past few weeks, I made time to hang out with people I do not typically have the luxury of hanging out with. I was between quarters and took advantage of the free time. Due to my tendency to cut myself off from the world and my silly schedule, I am not particularly social. I can literally go months without seeing some of my best friends. True, there is also a great distance between several of us, but just the same, I do not see them as often as I should.

One of the great things about not seeing people on a regular basis is that I treasure the moments I do finally get with them. I make a pretty substantial effort to clear my schedule and to pay attention to only those with whom I am hanging out. I literally soak up the experiences. I tend to absorb every detail of the interactions like a sponge. I have one friend that I always look forward to seeing because she always seems to have a new funky haircut and the newest most stylish clothes. I have another I like to hang out with because she makes me laugh until I almost lose control of my bladder. I like to see how these people change. I like to see how they react to the changes I make in my life as well.

This month, I was lucky enough to hang out with two of the people on my list of long lost friends. As usual, they're wonderful. As we hung out, however, I realized that my brain seemed to need to concentrate a little more than usual. They were more intense than normal. They seemed too fluttery, if you will. At first, I attributed the odd experiences to my own mindframe. I figured that my visits took a bit more effort than usual because I am probably not in the best state of mind....

As should be expected, my friends have changed. One is completely immersed into a new culture comprised of academia, her new town, and a scorned heart. The other is currently defined by dissatisfaction with her love life, uncertainty about her future, and a friend's betrayal. Granted, neither of these friends' lives are as extreme as they may appear here, but I only used a sentence to sum up each. What these two people have in common, however, is that they are incredible. Both talk a zillion miles a minute. Both have a ton to say. Both have very strong opinions regarding politicians, foreign relations, fashion, and everything else. Again, I adore them and am captivated by their presence.

I spoke to one of my other friends today and told him of my interactions with the first two. I told him that I felt guilty because I am not as enthusiastic about everything as they seem to be. I just do not feel like I reciprocate the same passion. Although I am not experiencing a shortage of opinions or anything like that, I do find myself to be a bit quiet when I am around those I describe. As I listened to myself speak, I realized that this difference does not make me somehow inferior. As a matter of fact, I think often people fill their time and interactions with chatter because they may not be comfortable with themselves. I wonder if some become overly opinionated about others because they cannot be still with their own thoughts.

If, in fact, there is any credibility to this thought process--if it is somehow logical--I think that I am okay. I am okay being a little bit quieter. I want to be comfortable with my thoughts. I want to believe in who I am and not spend all of my time and effort convincing others (and even myself) of the same. It is okay for me to be a bit quiet. It is okay for me to think. I hope that one day I may be comfortable enough with myself that I may be quiet--perhaps even silent....