Freakish

A friend of mine cracked me up today. She cracked me up, I think, because for the first time, I realized and maybe even came to accept that she and I are, in many ways, exactly the same. We both think too much. We instantly think of the worst possible outcome that may occur in an otherwise enjoyable situation. For example, if she and I went and laid on the beach with a thousand other people, only the two of us would worry the whole time about how the UV rays may cause cancer rather than simply enjoying the warmth enveloping our bodies. If we were to go bowling, only the two of us would consider all of the nasty germs that may reside in the finger holes of the balls because people are too lazy to wash their hands (nevermind the nastiness that occurs in the shoes at such establishments)....Other examples of our tendency to overthink, be a tad pessimistic, be a bit fearful, and to be absolute freakish secondary to our overactive minds are plentiful too....

The thing is that I often forget that this person and I are a lot alike. I tend to think that if she does not want to hang out or something like that, it is a reflection on me or her feelings about me. I make her issues mine when really they are her own. I forget to consider that maybe she does not want to go to hang out because she is afraid. Perhaps she is fearful that the world is, in fact, out to get her. Perhaps she is afraid that I will see right through her rules and idiosyncrasies. Perhaps she is afraid that these traits will not bother me and that I will come to adore them. Perhaps she is too involved in her own little world that she does not consider how these things effect me and others.

The thing is that I am sick of thinking. I am tired of being afraid. Chances are that I am eventually going to die of one form of cancer or another anyways, so I rather acquire it basking in the sun with my friend rather than while hiding out in my own self-imposed cave being too afraid to live.

I am working on changing my life. I do not like the negativity that has monopolized my thoughts and time over the past several weeks. The thing is that it takes too much energy. I am getting rid of clutter. I am organizing things. I am considering what is truly important to me. I am being a bit self-centered. I am working on being less accommodating to everyone else and being a little considerate of my own desires. I am letting go of the guilt that accompanies this transition. I am evaluating the person I am and comparing her to the person I want to be. I am making my needs known to those around me and giving them the opportunity to meet them. I am also requesting that those around me be clear and forthright regarding what they would like from me and then allow me the opportunity to fulfill those requests. That is it. Everything else will go. I am done holding on to past obligations. I am finished trying to be what others desire. I am done with fear. I am done with the anxiety. I am done with the guilt.

I am ready to live.