500

For my 500th post, I have nothing to offer, but a random brain dump:

Life is chaotic ~ in a beautifully terrifying way. I'm up to my eyeballs in grading.
It is a new quarter during which I'm launching five new classes. Managing student anxiety is taxing, as is mustering the enthusiasm and physical energy needed to effectively teach undergraduates. Thankfully, I have the BEST T.A. to help me with three of my classes. In the meantime, I'm still teaching four other classes, which are no less than soul-sucking. I'm frustrated with the students, bored by the materials, and literally just waiting for them to end.

I'm taking the most difficult classes of my entire program. This quarter, I must write three different proposals and master mathematics that seem beyond my capabilities. Yet, I'm enthusiastic regarding the courses, inspired by my instructors, and ready to go. In a few weeks, I have my comprehensive exams. The study guide, a generally unhelpful document, directed us to re-read several books (which are several hundred pages each). I've sifted through those materials and decided which information is most important. Now, I must memorize that information (sexy flashcard time, anyone?) as well as the citations and references pertaining to the same. At this point, the exams seem impossible to pass. I'm completely stressed about it, and realize that my life will go on if I do not pass it too (although this doesn't seem like a viable option). I am so much more stressed about the exam than I am about my dissertation. Thus, I just need to get through it so I can get it off my mind. I keep reminding myself that I only need to pass, not get 100%.

It is also only a matter of weeks until our son is born. J and I feel disorganized and worry that we will not be "good enough" as parents. I'm terrified by the prospect of giving birth too. At the same time, however, we know all will work out. We're thrilled to be welcoming our little man to the world and are so grateful for the opportunity to parent him. I have no idea how I will finish off the quarter with him around, but will worry about that later. For now, I'm enjoying the thumps against my abdomen and treasuring the moments I get to hear his heartbeat. We still do not have a name for our little guy, whom we affectionately refer to as "Tadpole" at this time, but know that, too, will works itself out.

The next month or two should feel like a tornado. A tornado of beautiful chaos. I'm leaning into the chaos and trying to cherish it while simply making it through.