2011

It is almost the end of the quarter. I have piles to grade. There are papers everywhere. I'm exhausted. I'm sick. You guys, I'm amazed that I've almost lived through the past 12 weeks. My mere survival, at this point, feels incredible. Not only did I teach more classes then ever before, but I was a successful student as well (I think -- we'll see what my grades say).

Today, J asked me on a date to grab coffee. I set my work aside and walked with him to our local coffee shop. As he ate lunch, I sipped on some tea. We discussed the holidays and the need for us to begin our shopping. We discussed finances and reflected on future goals. In the midst of our conversation, I asked J if he is excited for the quarter to be complete. The question was meant to rhetorical, as I already knew the answer. Of course he'd like me to be home more. Of course it would be awesome if I were more available to complete domestic duties. Of course he would like the piles of papers and textbooks to make their way back to the bookshelves and file cabinets. Of. Course.

When he initially responded with "Yeah", I just giggled. When he followed up with, "It would be nice to actually have you present", I felt like he punched me in the gut. "Present?", I asked. He went on to talk about how he detests the fact that I am always on the run. He hates that I simply must work each day. He does not appreciate my ever-present 'To Do' lists and laptop. He is frustrated by the fact that he can look over at almost any given point and see me thinking. I get what he means. I know I am not always great to those around me. I get lost in meaningless chaos at times. I fail at balancing it all on occasion.

Yet, I couldn't help but be a bit frustrated with his response. It is not that I do not think he is entitled to this perspective, but damn it, I try. Working excessively or not, I am not the type of girl that is going to spend each day in the kitchen baking. He is correct in that I tend to live in my head a bit -- perhaps this is a personality flaw, but it is me. I do not think that this has changed qualitatively over they years either. He simply looks for it a bit more now. While I will make changes to be a bit more attentive to numerous aspects of my life, I have core characteristics that are not likely to change. I am fine with this stability too.

It is interesting that J and I can have such a functional relationship despite detesting each others' careers. My hope is that as we prepare for 2011 that we may be more cognizant of building our goals together, rather than having them simply existing next to each other. It seems that we may have lost our way a bit. It is time to collaborate once again.