Valium

My birthday is one month from today. I mention this for two reasons: First, it is my birthday month, which means I will be obnoxious for the next 30 or so days. I will get what I want 'because it is my birthday month'. If you do not like that, fine. I will see you in August. Second, it is bugging me.

This birthday marks a specific point in my life time line, if you will. I always held this number - this number that will be here in 30 days- as my goal date. I'd say, "I will have _________ accomplished before I'm ____" and make other similar statements. Of course, I realize the absolute ridiculousness of internal time lines. I also understand that their existence guarantees failure. I am also aware, deep down inside, that they do not matter. Yet, my time lines are still there.

Overall, my life is vastly different than I pictured it would be when I was a child, in high school, graduating college, or even five years ago. Many of the goals I originally set for myself changed with life experience. As it turns out, I never married one of the New Kids on the Block and none of the guys on Melrose Place fell in love with me (shut up!). I never became beautiful enough to be a model. I never started wearing business suits or bought a condo overlooking the downtown skyline. You know what? Those circumstances are all just fine. They're not who I am.

Of course, there are a few things I am simply running behind on as well. I do not have my PhD quite yet. I am running a bit behind on that goal, but it will happen. I never really hit my target income, but I have plenty of years left for that too. I haven't landed my dream job either, although I am a bit closer.

The one goal that bugs me - actually, it bugs the FUCK out of me- is that I do not have children. I planned on having all of my kids (1? 2? 3? 17?) by this point in my life. I know, perhaps someone who dropped the f-bomb in the previous sentence has no business having children. Or, maybe I am meant to do other things with my life. I do not really know.

I met with a colleague of mine yesterday for coffee and a brief meeting. We decided to sit outside. My colleague is an accomplished woman in a position of power. She is highly motivated, goal-oriented and not easily distracted. She tends to dislike children. She finds them to be whiny, sticky, and generally annoying. Several children passed by us with parents, babysitters, and grandparents. Apparently, I watched them all and commented on a few. Finally, my friend said, "What is your deal with kids today?". I was unaware that I been looking at the children or commenting as they passed by and thus my peer's question caught me off guard. I thought about it for awhile. My response was this: "I like kids. They're fun. They kick my ass, yet they calm me. I can be silly around them, be creative, and get lost in their world. They're like Valium".