Twirp

Yesterday, J and I went to our favorite little coffee shop. As we sipped coffee and looked out over the water, we had the unfortunate experience of having to share oxygen with a man who I can only describe as stupid and completely likely lacking a penis (sorry, Mom). This little man was a poser in every sense of the word. He was at a yuppy joint wearing clothes that were meant to give the impression that he is a sophisticated earth-loving hippy. However, the carefully-placed peace sign earring in his ear revealed that he cared more about his image than his actual content. On the table in front of him were several books that caught my eye immediately. They included titles on mysticism, philosophy, and a number of the classics. As I looked at the array before him, I thought, "Gosh, how pretentious". I then scolded myself for thinking poorly of the man-- that is until he opened his mouth.

The man spoke to the woman at the same table. It should be noted that she wore a flowery shirt and had a small braid in a part of her hair. She looked down as he spoke . In many ways, she struck me as a doll the man had dressed.

The man recited information regarding the human psyche. He presented the information as if it were his own, yet I recognized it as being practically verbatim of many of the ideas presented in my high school philosophy class. When he was done parroting brilliant words that I suspect he barely even grasps, he asked the woman at the table if she agreed with him. Before she could respond, he added, "Did you understand what I said? Were you able to follow the complexities of my thought processes?".

No. I am not even exaggerating. He actually said that.

Her response, unfortunately, was 'Not really'. He then engaged in a verbose diatribe that was little more than circular nothingness about the plight of man's desire for spiritual superiority. He used three-syllabled words incorrectly and picked up books as he spoke. At the end of his monologue, he once again looked to the woman. She said nothing. He again asked her if she was able to follow his thought processes. This time she admitted that she had been unable to pay attention during his entire speech, but had been afraid to interrupt him, as she did not know if he would "care to hear" HER thoughts.

The two then engaged in a conversation that went a lot like this:
Her: "I feel like....."
Him: "When we communicate like this, I feel..."
Her: "It really validates me that you are able to recognize that I..."
Him: "I value you"

I am all about clear communication. I also understand the importance of wording. I get 'I statements'. I understand that how one phrases something really affects the communicated message. I value psychology as well and different theories of human communication and behavior. With that said, I have absolutely no tolerance for bullshit. The conversation at the table next to me, despite being none of my business, was absolute bullshit.

The woman basically had to seek permission to speak. Then, the man at the table could never allow her to be accurate in her statements. If the woman parroted him verbatim, he would have corrected her. He is an egotystical pig. He needed complete domination over the conversation. He literally needed to control her. J recognized the situation as well and we nicknmaed the man 'David Karesh'.

As we sat there and eavesdropped on the couple, I found myself increasingly irritated. Where did this guy get off talking to this woman in this manner? Further, why would she allow it? Did she have no self-esteem? Was she used to being controlled and manipulated by men? Why?

I felt the need to interject. I wanted to say to her, "Honey, you know you can do better, right?". To him, I wanted to say, "You're a dumb ass absent of any original ideas". J, knowing me, could sense my thought processes and desires and simply said, "No" and I restrained myself.

The incident got me to thinking though: When is it okay to stop being polite and to say something? When is a situation worthy of an outsider's perspective? It does not affect me that this woman allows this man to talk to her as if she is stupid (perhaps she is?) so why did I feel the need to tell her she should feel free to have her own ideas? Surely she already knows that, right? Is it because I think she represents all women? Is it because I somehow care about her? Hmm. Doubtful.

I automatically thought about how this man's controlling and manipulative behavior is typical of that of the profile of the classic abuser. Would I have said something and actually interjected had he been physically harming her in my presence? Why did I keep quiet when he spoke down to her then? Is this not just as bad?

It seems that many people stay quiet in an effort to avoid making waves, but maybe those waves are what induces some real action. Upsetting the balance in life, or within a person, means that things must be re-evaluated. Perhaps if we were all a little less politically correct all of the time and actually stood up for what we believe in, little twirps like the guy sitting next to me at the coffee shop would be less prevalent. Then again, perhaps they're not even worth the effort.