Second

This morning I met with the Dean of my department to discuss the position I mentioned here. He was gracious enough to set some time aside to discuss my interview and to provide me with some feedback regarding how I might improve my chances of obtaining future positions.

The conversation is the first I ever had with the Dean on a one-to-one basis. I have always met with him while with others. The fact is that he is a very kind man whom is quite funny as well. Throughout the conversation, I found myself amused by his tangents and in awe of his knowledge regarding certain topics.

To be honest, I learned very little about my specific performance from the interaction. The feedback he provided was of little consequence, as he was unable to identify much that I did incorrectly during the hiring process. He did, however, shed some light on the recruiting process in higher education. He also gave me information regarding what I am allowed to do around campus in my current capacity and why I am not requested to do the same at this time (they do not ask because it is unfair to have me work more without compensating me --makes sense, right?). He also said, "Higher education is weird. Sometimes the person who is most qualified or who might be the best fit is not the person that is hired. There is not rhyme or reason to this. It just is...."....um, okay.

The other big piece of information I learned was that I was number two. I am second in line for the position. SO close -- yet not close enough. Number two for crying out loud!! The Dean stated that the fact is that a person of my age and/or engaging in his or her first interview in higher ed actually does not typically get as far as I did. Therefore, I guess it is supposed to be some type of testament to my performance this time around that I progressed so far. With that said, there was another candidate better qualified. She has a higher degree than I and has been teaching since I was an infant. Fair enough, she wins.

I have very mixed emotions regarding the knowledge that I was the second choice. A part of me is very pleased that I made it so far (although I felt in my gut after my teaching demonstration that I would). Another part of me is completely frustrated by the knowledge that my dream was so close to my grasp.

One of my friends and I spoke about this situation via e-mail today. At one point he said, "Sorry you didn't get the job. Obviously the interviewers must have sucked and failed to see your potential. Oh well, their loss! What is the next step for you?". He is a sweet guy. With that said, I do not think the panel sucked. I do not really feel the need to defend their choice either. The reason my friend's comment caught my attention was due to the question posed at the end.

What is the next step for me? What do I do now? As I mentioned previously, there are not many positions like the one I desire. There are currently 2 within commuting distance. One I am second in line for (but unless the woman decides not to relocate, it is a done deal). The other for which I am already on the list. I do not have the luxury of picking up and relocating to follow my dreams like those I know. J's mother is terminal and we must stay here. With that said, I do not know that my dream may be fulfilled here either. It is an awkward position. I am faced with a new dilemma: Do I just wait things out -- just wait for someone to retire? Or, do I pave a new path?

It seems silly that once I finally figured things out and made peace with my plan, I seem unable to make the plan work. I am lucky in that I am still young and should have plenty more opportunities.

For now, I will just focus on what I can and hope for the best...