Eating

In college, I had many friends whom suffered from eating disorders. In graduate school, I studied the etiologies of such diagnoses in a little more detail than I wanted. I have had several people enter into treatment with me that suffered from extreme cases of anorexia and/or bulimia. I had to refer them to specialists. I even know that she suffers from an eating disorder right now as well.

The thing is that despite my knowledge of the disorders, I never understood them completely. I just love food too much to give it up. I mean I could read the books and get that disorders such as these are more about control than they are about body image. I get that, but who the hell cares about control when there is a plate of spaghetti and garlic bread in front of you?!? I mean CARBS baby! Carbs!!!!

This quarter is particularly hectic for me. My schedule is ridiculous. I made a poor choice by taking too much on and am now paying for it. The great news is that it is well on its way to being complete. I only have a few more weeks. Due to my schedule and the demands of my jobs, I am not caring for myself properly (not that I ever really do). I do not eat particularly well, certainly do not get enough exercise, and seem to have an inability to completely chill. I am always running a little late and seem to never really be quite caught up. The good news is that I am sleeping well. I sleep hard every single night. It is awesome!!

J noticed that I am not doing a great job of taking care of myself. Therefore, he made it his mission to check on me regularly. He makes me drink at least one glass of water in his presence every morning. He calls me and asks if I took my thyroid medication. Occasionally, he stops by one of my jobs and hands me food and demands that I eat. It is probably quite humorous to watch from an outside perspective. For us, it is just life. I do better with in-your-face reminders. He feels better when he thinks he is taking care of me. I am equally annoying to him regarding other factors of his life.

A few weeks ago, I was a little busier than I am now. I literally was leaving every morning around 7:30 am only to return from work at about 10:30 or 11 pm at which time I had to grade papers, respond to e-mail or whatever. At that time, I was constantly running. I made time to use the restroom and take a shower. Those were my daily luxuries. One day, I did not feel well so I did not eat. The following day, I was a little nervous so I did not eat again, as I did not want my tummy to become upset before class. Although I did not mean to, I stopped eating. Completely.

This pattern continued for a few days. I did not have the time nor the desire to prepare a decent meal and sit down and eat. Interestingly enough, I did not feel hungry. Even more than that, I seemed to have control over one aspect of my life. I controlled what I put in my mouth. I controlled whether or not I was going to stop and take the time to eat.

I had control and it was awesome. In constant chaos, I was able to grab onto something. I was the boss.

Of course, after a few days, I did not feel good and J was on to me. He began to prompt me to eat. He made me stop and take care of myself (Thanks, J!). I started eating regularly again. Wouldn't you know -- I am functioning a little better now too. Although I clearly do not have an eating disorder, it seems that I have the potential to engage in some of the habits that manifest themselves in the case of such an illness. I finally understand what makes a person engage in such habits. It really isn't about body image. It really isn't that the person does not like to eat.

It is about an absence of balance.

Life really does need to be about balance.

I finally get it.