Ballroom

I am not social. It is not that I do not like people, necessarily, but is more of an issue of being uncomfortable around them. I do not understand it. There is no defining moment in my life that I can point to and say "oh that is why I am like this". Sure, I've been embarrassed on occasion, but nothing really defining.

The odd thing is that this weird fear, or I guess we could classify it as some type of social anxiety, is selective. It occurs in very specific situations. I am completely fine at work: I can meet new people, speak in meetings, and even confront strangers with little anxiety. As a matter of fact, I am often called upon to deal with unusual situations or moments of conflict. In each situation, I just go. It is no problem. At school, I am nervous for the first few class sessions, but it is a healthy anxiety, which I am told is both quite normal and fairly common. If, on the other hand, I am invited to a party, I am uncomfortable. If I actually go, I will shy away to a corner, speak only when spoken to, and do my very best to maintain a low profile. I will not cruise the room; I will not initiate small talk, and I am fine with being the first to leave.

A couple of months ago, J told me to prepare myself, as he was one of several honorees that would be celebrated at a banquet in October. He indicated that he received two tickets and I would be his date. He suggested I should wrap my head around the idea of enjoying myself as well, as many people expected his wife to attend the event. As could be expected, I wracked by brain for an excuse not to go. Work? No, too late at night. School? Damn, wrong night. Need to wash my hair? He wouldn't buy it. After a few days, I accepted my fate. I would, in fact, be a good little wife and accompany J to his event.It could be good for me. Truth be told I do not like the fact that I avoid most social events. In fact, over the past several months, I have made efforts to be more sociable and forced myself to step outside of my comfort zone at times.

The banquet took place last night. It was a formal event. I put on a dress (the 3rd one I've worn in 5 years --including my wedding dress), wore some make-up, and put on a smile. Since it took place in the ballroom of a hotel downtown and had an open bar, I suggested to J a few weeks ago that we just get a room and make a night of it. He agreed to this idea.

We checked into our room. Then, while J took a shower, I took my sweet time putting on make-up, etc. Approximately a half-hour before the even was to begin, J went downstairs to scope out others' fashion. He knew it was a formal event, but never really confirmed how formal. Based off of his observations of the other women, J picked out a dress for me to wear (I brought 3). After I slipped the dress on, we headed downstairs.

To my surprise, I was not nervous. I think I was more calm than normal because I had the knowledge of knowing I had my own space to retreat to should I become too uncomfortable. As we stepped off of the elevator, I was shocked to see the amount of people that were there. I initially thought there would be about 100 people there, there were closer to 1000.

The social hour was a bit awkward because most of J's buddies were not there yet. We wandered around and briefly chatted with his acquaintances here and there. The ballroom doors finally opened and we made our way inside. We were seated with complete strangers whom were all clearly excited to be sitting with one of the men being honored. The people asked him questions about his position and about the award. To my surprise, J was much more soft-spoken than normal. I suspect this was due to the fact that he was embarrassed. He commented previously that he thought it was silly that he was to receive an award, as he was simply doing his job.

I found in the absence of J's desire to speak, I spoke more. I was quite comfortable with the same. I did not feel nervous and really enjoyed speaking with those around me. We sat through a brief presentation, consumed our dinner, and then the awards were presented. After the formal event, there was another social hour with a band, drinks, and more socializing. Prior to dinner, J and I agreed we would probably skip this latter part of the evening, but as we exited the ballroom, his buddies approached. We ended up spending quite awhile with them.

Overall, the evening went quite well. Even though he remains modest, I am proud of J and the work he does. I was proud to watch him receive his award as well. In addition, I was proud of myself for attending the event -- as silly and ridiculous as that might seem. J and I had a good time.

I think we'll attend the event again next year.