Decisive

My friend K worries about me. I am not sure exactly what it is about me that concerns her, but I know that she worries. She mentions the same on occasion. She tells me that she prays for me. She encourages me to talk with her, etc. I think my girl K thinks that I am more intense than I really am. I think she thinks that my tendency to be quiet around her is due to some deep-seated unhappiness. The truth is that K has a lot to say when we are together. I am quiet because I need to be in order to listen to her. I also think a lot. It takes me a long time to process things sometimes.

K is great. She and I have been friends for several years now. We find joy in many of the same things: a good cup of coffee, the power of retail therapy, the laughter of children, and the beauty of statistics -- to name a few. Despite our similarities, the reason our relationship is special is because K and I are so different. Although we do not hold similar perspectives of the world, we seem to balance each other out in many ways when we are together. K tends to be very bubbly, chaotic, and carefree. She constantly moves and is very silly. I tend to be a bit slower, a little less enthusiastic, and am a bit more cautious about the world. K takes things at face value. She also tends to see things from a positive perspective. I am bit more pessimistic. I look for more than what is in front of me. I wait for the other shoe to drop. I suspect many of our differences come from our different life experiences. She and I have seen very different things in this world. In many ways, I doubt we truly understand each other's perspectives completely.

K argues that she thinks I would be happier if I had a stronger faith. She may be correct. She thinks that I am angry with God for allowing me to lose our baby. There may be a tad bit of truth in that statement as well however I do not think it influences my overall philosophy regarding life. K feels that if I were to make a concerted effort to have a more active relationship with God, I would have more peace in my soul and more happiness in my life. I did not know that I did not have peace. I was unaware of my unhappiness.

In my opinion, one's faith is his or her own business. Sometimes people believe in God (or another higher being). Sometimes they do not. Sometimes they choose to share this information with the world. Sometimes they choose to keep this information private. I respect the fact that not all people hold the same beliefs as I do. Further, I doubt many people are truly aware of my beliefs either. I do not think that it matters if they are knowledgeable about the same. I am not out to push my thoughts on others and I do not wish to have them push their beliefs on me either.

With all of that said, my faith is not finite. I am aware of the fact that I have a lot to learn. I am open to learning as well. I am eager to increase my knowledge and to engage in new experiences in regards to faith and all other aspects of my life as well.

K invited me to go to church with her. In fact, she always invites me. Once upon a time, K and I used to go to church together quite regularly. We lived in a town where I felt a bit lost. I enjoyed the sense of belonging that the experience of attending a service brought to me. I enjoyed my time with K too. It is great to participate in something that means so much to her. Last weekend, for whatever reason, I joined K at her new church. Overall, I found the congregation to be welcoming. Although the environment did not reflect that which I am used to, I could see why K appreciates it.

In his sermon, the pastor (?) told a story about Ezekiel and then spoke of Zachariah. I am unsure of the purpose of the stories, as, to be honest, I did not hear much of what he said. I became distracted by those around me instead. Despite my lack of concentration and my failure to pick-up the man's specific message, one word he mentioned in the context of his speech stood out in my mind. That word was "decision".

Since attending the service, I have thought about the concept of 'decisiveness'. After some brief reflection, it occurred to me that, in many areas of my life, I am indecisive -- almost ambivalent, if you will. Indecisiveness, as I see it, is unproductive. It helps one remain stagnant instead of forcing one to develop more fully as a being, etc. As I see things, I am currently indecisive in several of my relationships, indecisive regarding my career, and indecisive regarding the prospect of returning to school too. This fact (the indecisvieness) limits me.

I would like to change these circumstances. I desperately want to be more than who I currently am. I want to get closer to reaching my fullest potential. I want to evolve. In ten years from now, I do not want to find myself struggling with the same issues that I do today. As I mentioned in previous posts, I want to be an 'active participant' rather than a 'passive observer' in my own life. As I see things, now is the time to make that change.

This coming week marks an opportunity for further reflection. On Tuesday, I have a meeting regarding a position that the director of a local mental health agency would like me to consider occupying. I will most likely have to determine if the position fits in with my other needs and if mental health is what I want to pursue at this time. I will have to think about the position's potential impact on my other goals and responsibilities in life. The good news is that for the first time in a long time, I feel satisfied that my priorities, although still a bit foggy, are straight.

Now, as I consider the next step to take, I will have to step-up and be decisive...