Chicken

As I spoke with my aunt the other day, she asked me for an update regarding my employment status. I reported not much has changed. She responded with something to the general effect of, “I don’t know. Maybe you like it there. It seems like you would have left by now if you truly didn’t”. Huh.

Her statement, as casual as it was, has been rolling around in my head for a few days. It bugs me. The truth is that I do not like my job right now. I am not particularly attached to my company either (although I do believe in the work it does). I do not think that this work is what I am meant to be doing at this point in my life. I feel myself drawn to other things. I crave new experiences. I want to try something new. With that said, there are certain aspects of the work that I do that I do enjoy. It is true that I like interacting with people each day. It is true that I have a special place in my heart for my clients (even the difficult ones). I have co-workers who have become friends whom I adore. I suppose, in many ways, I am motivated to go to work each day because of the people. The actual position, however, lacks meaning, does not challenge me, and does not fulfill my needs.

I think whether I work in social services or elsewhere, I will always adore the population I serve. I think that I will always understand the importance of giving others my time and providing them with dignity. I think that is just who I am. The fact is though that I am burned out. I have tried giving myself a break here or there to refocus me, but it just has not worked out the way I hoped it would. I am unsure if this means that I put too much of myself in to my job for too long or if I am just weak in character. Either way though, it is not fair to anyone involved to have a person in my position whom is burned out.

Though I recognize the need for change in my life, even if just temporary, I cannot seem to get myself to make it. I am afraid. I am clearly a workaholic. Both of my parents are hard workers and I was taught to do the same. In the past, work has also let me avoid some other aspects of my life too. Much of who I am is revealed through the work that I do. I am not sure how to exist independently of work. Who will I be without my job? What will I become?

Although I understand that a person should not be defined by his or her job, the fact is that I allowed that to happen in my own life. I resent the same. I think that is part of the reason I am so desperate to make a change. I want to re-define my life’s circumstances. As my friend K and I spoke about my situation the other day, she referred to a Friends episode in which they talked about “feeling the fear”. In the episode, the characters basically talked about how one does not change his or her circumstances until he or she is afraid not to do the same. If applied to my current situation, one could say that I am never going to find a job that is “the right fit” for me until I am without employment and fearful of not being able to pay my bills. With the threat of debt or whatever, I might be motivated to look harder for positions or to apply for more…..

In many ways, my failure to follow through with my plans is clearly a result of fear. I am not sure who I will be if I change things. I am afraid I may not be much (even though logically I know the same is not true). I am afraid that I will not experience “the fear”. I suppose, in many ways, I am a chicken….