Expectations

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of expectations. The world, our country, society, family, our peers and our partners all place expectations on us -whether we realize it or not. We also put expectations on ourselves. It seems to me that there is a lot of pressure to meet these expectations too.

Throughout my life, I have tried to meet others' expectations. Granted, some of these expectations were only implied. Others were only mentioned in passing. Some were clearly laid out for me though too. In many respects, expectations are a good thing. If one has something to reach for (and is expected to reach it), he or she might be more inclined to do so. Conversely, if one is never expected to do anything and no one has any hopes or dreams for him or her, then that person may not recognize potential in him or herself.

I sometimes wonder if I have turned out the way my parents envisioned. Am I the person they hoped I would be? Do I make them proud? What would they change about me if they could? Are they satisfied with their efforts as parents? I also compare the person I thought I would be with the person I am turning out to be. How am I different than the person I thought I would be at this age? What dreams have I achieved? Which goals have I ignored? Where do I want to go next in life?

Overall, I think I am turning out okay. I have a job, own a home, have good friends, have decent relationships with most of my family members, and try to do right by the world. I anticipate that I will continue along this course in life for some time. With that said, there is a part of me that is exhausted by it all. Not that I do not love it all: my job, maintaining my home, etc., but I am tired. I would like to play hooky from work for a month or two. I would like to allow the laundry to pile up for a couple of weeks. I would like to ignore the phone and not maintain any type of regular schedule. I suppose, in many ways, I crave chaos. As a matter of fact, in the perfect world, I would quit my job, buy an airplane ticket and head off to Europe. I have no idea what I would see there. I do not even know if I would formulate a plan. I would just go. I would just see what doors opened as I passed them by.

I told my husband about these thoughts the other day as we walked around the neighborhood. I felt guilty for my thoughts. How dare I not be content with my current status in life? — a life that he and I have created together…My husband’s response surprised me. He said, “Well, of course you feel that way. You yearn to be free. You’ve never just been free”. His comment was incredibly insightful. He is correct. I have always taken the path in life that has me tied to relationship commitments, obligations at work, or responsibility at school. I never just lived. I have always been a student, girlfriend, wife, teacher or employee. I’ve never gone without a label. I have also never lived without the expectations that are associated with such labels.

Today I find myself wanting to run from the expectations. I want to see what else there is to life. I want to open other doors. Before I can do that, however, I need to formulate a new perspective. I need to stop worrying about others’ expectations for me and start considering my own expectations for myself.

Then, I need to realize that are expectations are simply expectations — sometimes things in life do not go quite as expected….