Wonder

Two of my students walked out of class tonight at the break and did not return for the second portion. Perhaps they went to grab some dinner. Perhaps they wanted to catch a particular television show. Perhaps they did not enjoy the class. I do not know, but I wonder.

I hate that I wonder. I should not care. Despite this, however, it bothers me. I walked out of plenty of classes while in school. I never considered that the instructor might notice. It did not occur to me that he or she would care. Now that I am the instructor, I DO care.

Honestly, the students' departure was distracting. I thought to myself, "Did I say something incorrect?", "Do they hate my class", etc. I know, I know, my insecurity is ridiculous. Yet, it is there...

You see, I want students to like me. I want to feel like I am doing a good job. I want them to learn. I want them to be inspired. I want to make a difference in their lives...

In the perfect world, I would eventually be given the opportunity to transition to teaching on a more full-time and permanent basis. I would be able to leave the rest of my chaos behind. To do that, however, I must teach well now. I must be effective....students must be present in class.

I suppose it was only two students in one class. It probably is not a big deal. Their departure today does not necessarily dictate the future...but I can not help it...I wonder.