Sixty Percent

My friend had her baby--finally. I got to meet him today. He is beautiful. I am so excited for them. They have wanted this baby forever and it is a relief of sorts now that he is here. As I look at my friend, I see a mixture of excitement, fear and apprehension. I know, however, that she will do well. She will adjust. She will be a great mom.

As thrilled as I am for their family, I will admit that I am a bit jealous as well (I know, I am horrible). I so desperately want that for myself and for J. I know that we would be good parents. I know that we would love it. I am not convinced it is in the cards for us though either - a fact that is hard for me to swallow. Since our ordeal last year, it seems unlikely. I read a statistic about a month ago that indicated that once a woman loses a child similarly to the way I did, she only has a 60% chance of having a healthy pregnancy later. Sixty percent: by some standards that is low. Others might take a different perspective: a "the glass is over half-full" point-of-view. My perspective depends on the day.

Don't get me wrong, I do not sit and perseverate on our situation each day. I am too busy. I thought about it the other day, however, as one of my students told me she would miss class to accompany a woman to have an abortion. I thought to myself, "if only that baby had gone to someone who wanted it". Those moments are hard for me. They frustrate me. I also cannot help but to wonder what our children would be like if we had them, especially as we meet new little ones as we did this morning and compare them to their parents. I also think about my future in regards to my occupation. I often think about leaving clinical work to teach more classes. I think that adjusting to a school schedule would simplify my life and make me more available to our children (should they come). As I contemplate my schedule/career each quarter, I often think about whether or not I will need to make an adjustment in the near future. I cannot help but wonder where I will be in a year, five years, or even ten.

I guess, for now, I need to be patient. I need not to worry about statistics. What will be, will be. I cannot change things. For now, I will continue to admire the little ones around me. I will capture the moments with them that arise. For now, I will focus on my friend. I will encourage her. I will offer her support. I will be happy.