Chang

I am tired. I have yet to sleep more than an hour or so since Thursday. I look like hell. True, I am a bit stressed about work. Yet, at the same time, I am not. I have enough people there to distract me from the chaos that everything will be fine. I think that my bigger issue is that I am sad…a state I do not allow myself to be in very often.

Today marks the year anniversary of when I was admitted to the hospital and lost our baby. At that time, I was not very upset. I think I was in shock more than anything. After released from the hospital, I kept myself busy trying to gather physical strength. I refused to stay in bed for six to eight weeks as prescribed. Life slowly returned to normal, with a couple of exceptions along the way.

I like to think that the baby had my sense of direction and his father’s behavioral problems. After all, how many times have you heard of a embryo leaving the fallopian tube and fusing to an appendix before rupturing? I mean seriously, only my kid would do that…Before I lost the baby, I was excited. After his initial shock, so was my husband. We were broke and did not know how we would pay the bills after I delivered, but we knew we would work it out. I prayed that I would stay healthy and would make it through the pain of a delivery. He daydreamed about playing ball and building go-carts. My husband started calling me his “baby- momma”, which I found amusing. We talked about names. I was partial to the name Aiden. My husband hated the name. I was pretty determined to change his thought process over the subsequent months so that he would be convinced prior to the delivery. In his effort to be equally obnoxious and stubborn, my husband decided that we should name the baby “Chang”-- a name that just doesn’t quite fit us. I decided to challenge my husband and embraced the name. Thus, our baby’s in-utero name became Chang….a fact that I still find amusing.

It is funny, over the course of the last two paragraphs, I feel a little better. Perhaps I should allow myself a moment to be sad here and there rather than exerting so much effort fighting this emotion. Perhaps I should allow myself to remember. I think, for now, I will just go to sleep. Things should feel better when I wake….