Weight

One of my friends pointed out that I seemed to be in deep thought today. I suppose I might have appeared that way. We were having an intriguing conversation about relationship dynamics and human nature. As the group surrounding me looked at me with anticipation, I did not know what to say. I had no brilliant comments and no wonderful epiphanies to share...

It is true, I was thinking. However, it was not about the topic on hand. In all honesty, I was multi-tasking: listening to the others speak while also attending to the thoughts in my own head.

There were two thoughts in my head that existed outside of the conversation at that moment: 1.) I am in pain. I don't want to be. Over the past few days, I have several bouts of joint pain, a condition that has not plagued me in months. It pisses me off. When they occur, the pains take over my entire body. For a few seconds, they are all that exist in my world. They only persist for moment or two, but they take over. The pains indicate that my lupus is probably not as under control as I would have others think. In my mind, if I refuse to acknowledge the pains, they may go away. I do not have time for them to be around. I do not want to get sick. I want to be healthy. I have a lot going on right now...The thought of leaving some type of remission weighs on me. I do not want to have my husband worry about me. I do not want to be distracted. I want to be ready to have a family. I do not want to have to go to the doctor all of the time 2.) The second thought that filtered in and out of my head today is that of our baby. This weekend marks the one year anniversary of when I was admitted to the hospital and lost the baby. As I have mentioned before, I am grateful things worked out the way they did. I am thankful to be alive. Before my surgery, I was literally bleeding internally. With that said though, I experienced a great loss. I think I am remembering that loss now, which weighs on me. I know that things will work out the way they were meant to be though. I suppose for now, I just need to keep smiling.

I did not share my thoughts with my friends. Somehow, I was able to avoid providing an answer. Sometimes, I do not want to share my thoughts, as I do not think that they are as sunny as they should be --I don't want to drag others down with me. On the other hand, I know that my friends would listen with open minds and be supportive. At the same time , it is kind of cool having others under the misguided impression that there are some brilliant slivers of wisdom in my head...boy, would they be disappointed...