Balls

I may have committed career suicide today. On the other hand, today may also be awesome evidence regarding how much I truly do rock. I'm not really sure.

I work for a few great institutions. I work for a couple of others that are less than stellar. Each, despite its shortcomings, appeals to me for a specific reason. Some are fun. Some are convenient. Some allow me great opportunities for professional growth.

For a long time, I have worked too much. This has a lot to do with some pretty strong (albeit dysfunctional) beliefs I have always had. While it is a fallacy, I have it engrained into my psyche that to be of any value, one needs to work hard. While I am uninterested in others' work ethic, my belief about myself is that if I do not work long hours and put forth a ton of effort, I am useless -- of little value. Thus, in most of my positions thus far in my career, I've worked long hours, worked hard, and tried to do a good job -- sometimes out of necessity, sometimes out of compulsion.

I desired to change for quite awhile. Over time, I've become more selective regarding the projects I select. I'm investing in relationships I find fruitful rather than those to which I feel obligated. While this is progress in the correct direction, I'm still not where I need to be. With the little one on the way, however, I'm looking to cut more -- partly out of need, but mostly out of desire to enjoy him.

There is a full-time tenure-track position at a local institution posted. I've toyed with the idea of applying, but convinced myself not to, as it is a complex process, especially when one has much has as much going on as I do. Alas, one of my peers convinced me that I have little to lose by throwing my name in the hat for consideration. While I really do not expect the process to go far, I did contact references to see if I could list them, etc. One of my references is a Department Chair at the local university. This person was both gracious and encouraging. She stated she understood my need to lock-in my future and stated, "This is a part of academia". True enough.

It should be noted that I have a full-time position right now. It is just not tenure track. This means two things: 1. My employment is limited to one year at a time, and 2. I'm making much less money than a person seeking tenure - even though I am doing no less work. In general, I'm satisfied enough with it. My boss is supportive, there is a lot of flexibility, and I have some rad students. Yet, I seek more for our family in the long-run.

Today, I received an email from the Chair. She said, "While I still support your application, I don't really want to see you go. What will it take to get you to stay here - to make [this university] your number one choice?". My response: A shot a tenure. I received a follow-up email indicating that the Chair was due to have a meeting about me and my position this afternoon. I suspect this is because they fear I may walk -- maybe not.

I do not think that the university is in the position to offer another tenure position right now. Alas, that makes my desire for the same no less. Thus, I let the Chair know exactly what I want. It was either a brilliant display of the balls I have, or a horrible mistake likely to end my career.

I'm going with balls....