Taboo

There are a few topics we do not seem to openly talk about in our culture -- things like shame, fear, and such. I have also found that another topic not openly discussed is that of infertility. Interestingly enough, the third topic seems to be deeply enmeshed with the first two.

I officially qualify as infertile. It fucking sucks. I can use that type of language to describe it, you see, because it is my circumstance, my diagnosis, and this is my blog. As it turns out, the pregnancy that landed me in the hospital several years ago, clinging for my life, will not go away. It continues to affect me.

I find myself thankful that I did not marry Henry VIII, as I likely would have been beheaded by now. I also find myself thankful that technology has progressed enough that there are a variety of treatment options to pursue, if one chooses to do the same. I am also thankful that despite not having children of my own, I have a number of pretty rad kids who share their lives with us. Things really are not that bad.

As I struggle to deal with my own thoughts regarding my diagnosis and to consider my options, I find myself reading books and searching the Internet. Via the Internet, I've found very little useful information regarding the topic of infertility (at least useful information that I am equipped to read given my lack of a medical degree), but have found a number of online communities where women, such as myself, seek support. I spent a number of hours observing these communities, although I have yet to engage in them myself. I am struck by the wonderful support the women - bonded by this unfortunate set of circumstances -- offer one another. I also find myself angry that women in my position feel it necessary to cling to these communities as they do. I'm not mad at the women themselves (after all, I'm looking at them too), but am instead irritated that there is such a gap in the medical community that such forums are deemed necessary.

Women go to these forums desperate -- desperate for any information, for knowledge regarding medical statistics, symptoms, for ANY glimmer of hope. They grasp onto any comment that indicates that they may have the opportunity to mother, to love a child unconditionally. In their effort to support one another, however, I fear that misinformation is perpetuated. I cannot help but wonder how that affects some women -- Does it postpone them from getting medical attention when it is warranted? Does it set them up for further emotional turmoil? I do not know.

I certainly do not have much knowledge to share regarding the topic of infertility. It is not something that I am sufficiently educated about, nor am I emotionally able to communicate effectively about it either. What I do know, however, is that there is a growing population of women in America whom seek some pretty radical treatment interventions with limited information available to them. Sure, one can find the rates of IUIs and IVFs attempted, but the data indicating the live births resulting from the same is difficult to locate let alone decipher. WHY? Why is it that one can find out about Kate Gosselin and Octomom's journeys, but the 'typical' infertility journey remains a mystery? I'm just going to say it -- that is fucked up. It really is. Such information should be easily accessible and should not be taboo. Further, topics such as the loss of a child and similar scenarios should also not be shrouded in despair, pity, feelings of failure, and loneliness. Instead, it seems that the more healthy approach would to address these topics head on....

....at least those are my thoughts....