Failing

Dear Student,

Thanks for the email.

At this time, I respectfully decline your request for a meeting. As you are aware, this week marks the conclusion of the quarter. I will only be on campus on the day of the final exam. To discuss your performance at this time is pointless. You will fail this class -- and rightfully so.

Although I am empathetic to your academic challenges; including a large course load and the fact that English is your second language, I have been more than accommodating to these conditions by providing you with opportunities to earn extra credit, by allowing you to take the class exams in alternate formats and by providing you with an extension for your paper. Your response to these efforts was less than ideal, as you presented as entitled and helpless. You should understand that I am just as busy as you (if not more so). I am also under no obligation to provide you with assistance to succeed in this course. I simply have to meet the objectives set forth in the syllabus. I make efforts because I care, not because you necessarily deserve them.

Here is the deal: If a professor allows you an extension on an assignment, you should be pleased with such an arrangement and do your best to avoid utilizing the offer. You should not wait until 11:59 p.m. when the extension lasts through 12:00 a.m. You should also not attach some lame ass excuse to your paper indicating why you waited until the last minute to fulfill this requirement of the course. If, in fact, you do happen to do both of the proceeding, your paper should be spectacular.

If, by chance, your professor is not as stupid as you may judge her to be and catches your act of plagiarism, do not argue regarding her claim. Instead, it would be in your best interest to hang your head, try not to die of embarrassment, and then pray hard that you do not get expelled from the college. This is especially true if the instructor provides you with a printout of the webpage where you may purchase your paper for the super duper deal of just $14.99. Also, just for informational purposes, you should be aware that threatening the teacher with ‘talk[ing] to someone else regarding the situation’ is typically perceived as irritating and a bit of a threat.

I do, in fact, hope that your discussion with the Dean goes well. I am sure mine will be equally as productive when I provide him with a copy of your paper and source. I would like to personally thank you for wasting my time, challenging the integrity of my course, and for adding a bit of stress to my life. In turn, I will supply you with the failing grade you so aptly deserve, and not another second of my effort.

Sincerely,
Me