Starbucks

Despite my love for coffee drinks, I do not go to Starbucks very often. It is not that I necessarily have anything against the company, but my behavior has more to do with the fact that I like to support small local businesses rather than larger corporations. Plus, there is a plethora of little coffee stands in my area. Further, due to my concern for the environment, I tend to bring one of my to-go mugs rather than use a paper cup from the shop. Today, however, I found myself at a Starbucks without my cup (J kidnapped me because I was cranky).

For those of you not familiar with Starbucks, they have had a campaign called "The Way I See It" for quite awhile now. On each of their cups, there is a quote on the side that gives some ordinary (or not-so-ordinary) individual's viewpoint on life. I imagine most people do not even notice the quotes let alone bother to read them. On the few occasions, I've grabbed a to-go cup, however, I have. Interestingly enough, I always get the same saying, #76, and it always weighs on my mind a bit. It says:

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. It frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life". -- Anne Morriss

I do not know much, but I think that this Ms. Morriss lady a.) clearly must know the exact conditions of my life and b.) is brilliant. Her thoughts make a lot of sense to me. I have a few things in life that I would love to do, but because of my head, I have not. I am, in fact, afraid to commit. My fear and 'rational thoughts' act as a barrier. My internal dialogue stands in my way and prohibits me from taking chances.

Specifically, I would like desperately to quit my day job and return to school. I have an idea for a dissertation, which I am both captivated by and passionate about. I want to expand my thoughts and explore this topic in great detail. I want to dedicate hours to it and find answers. I want to challenge myself, to work hard, and to do something that is meaningful to me.

Thus far, I have not followed through with my idea (or dream) for a few different reasons - most notably: time and money. Location is an issue as well. There are many programs that would likely accept me for my past academic performance, clinical experience and oh-so-fabulous personality. Yet, they are either too far away or too expensive. Several programs in the area appeal to me for various reasons, but the investment that accompanies them is more than I care to wager. I do not want to give up 4 years to study and tens of thousands of dollars for a few more initials after my name and an education that may or may not stimulate my mind. With that said, however, it is clear to me that I must do something. I am, for the most part, bored by my job although I am good at it and lucky to have it considering the current economy. Teaching certainly is fun and challenges me, but it does not exactly pay the bills. Further, the government continues to cut funding for education and my classes are never guaranteed from one quarter to the next. I am afraid to sacrifice my mortgage for my mind. At the same time, however, something has got to give. I cannot maintain my pace for the long-term. It is not fair to me, it is not fair to J, and it is not fair to my family and friends. Also (don't tell J), I've got additional academic opportunities that I am working on quietly in the wings. Thus, things will likely just get more hectic. Yet, I would like to maintain a steady income, as I have a strong desire to travel, to attend plays, and to complete other activities that require funding resources.

It seems that, for now at least, it would make the most sense for me to leave the stable day job and take a chance on me. Perhaps I could collate enough classes to pay the bills and then take some classes here and there. There is one program that I am thinking about, which would work with my life, but I am not sure that it is one with which I would be proud to associate my name. If I were to begin taking courses there, I doubt I would tell you in fear that you may judge me. Does that matter though? Should I care about what others think about the program I am in secondary to my spouse and other obligations that do not really allow me to go elsewhere? Does it matter if I go to a top 10 school versus one that seems to be a good fit for me at this stage in my life? Should the most important aspect of this journey not be about challenging myself and making myself happy?

You see...as always, my mind acts as a barrier. I hope that I am able to reach a resolution soon enough. I hope that I am able to commit to a new plan or settle with my current plan, but am anxious to end the debate.

I am anxious to escape the internal dialogue.