Shot

The other night T was kind enough to host a few of his younger family members in what has become an annual tradition of good food, drinks, and most importantly, stories. The night allows a few of us to leave our daily grind and to learn a little about one another. The content of the night varies from year-to-year, but is always entertaining. The fact that we do not make time for each other except for a handful of times each year is pretty lame. Yet, if T was not gracious enough to corral us all together, our meetings would be even less frequent.

This year T invited a guy named J. In general, I really liked him. He is funny, articulate, and entertaining. I anticipated his comments and was pleased to when he voiced thoughts I had. He seemed to engage in our family banter without difficulty. At one point, this man asked what I do. I was vague until he asked more specific questions (I don't know why I do that except that if a person knows nothing about me, he or she tends to have few expectations). Eventually, I revealed that I teach psychology courses. He asked where. He then inquired as to whether or not I am familiar with an instructor he knows. In fact, I am. She happened to score the position I applied for last year. I am presently teaching her courses.

When J asked me about the woman, I could not cammoflauge my response. It was not nice. I do not think he even noticed (or, more importantly, cared), but I did. My reaction bothered me throughout the rest of the night and through the next day. It seemed uncool of me to have such an unfavorable reaction. Afterall, I barely know her. More importantly, she has no on-going impact on my life.

Then why?

Why did I want to scream when I heard her name?

Was it jealousy? Perhaps. I sure hope I am more mature than that though. I hope that I would not waste energy in that way.

I gave it some more thought. After considering the situation in some detail I came to the conclusion that I really do not have any issues with the other woman. The truth is that I am simply sad and she is a symbol of that sadness to me.

You see, right now, at this exact moment in time, I am living my dream. I am teaching classes that I love. I make connections with students. I spend a good portion of my time on campus. I have an office. I have lines of people waiting for me. I am meeting new staff. I feel connected.

Dream or not, the unfortunate fact of the matter is that I am simply too busy to enjoy this experience. Since the situation is temporary, I could not afford to vacate my day job. Thus, whether I'll admit it out loud or not, I am desperately trying to balance too much. Thus, my ability to fully live and enjoy this experience -- this dream that became a reality, is sacrificed. Moreover, I have the acute knowledge that this dream will be snatched out from underneath me in a matter of weeks.

I find myself sad that this chaos is about to depart my life. I am cranky that I did not make myself enjoy it more.

I hope I get another shot at my dream in the near future.