Thyroid

A few months after we were married, I freaked out on J. We got into an argument about gosh only knows what. During the context of the spat, I threw a roll of Ritz crackers at him. He said, "You need to calm down" and left our house. At that moment, I knew J was correct. Although it was only a roll of crackers, it is never okay to throw something at one's spouse. I remember feeling as if I had just snapped. I remember thinking I had no control over myself.

Around that time, I was not sleeping much either. In a typical night, I would fall asleep around 10:30 at night, sleep until about midnight and then be unable to fall back asleep until about 3:30 or 4 in the morning just to wake again for work at about 6. It just was not enough rest for me. My lack of sleep coupled with my angry outbursts led me to seek medical attention. I thought for sure that I was having my first psychotic break -- afterall, the average onset age for schizophrenia is between the ages of 19-24 and I was 22 at the time-- so, CLEARLY that is what was happening. The doc prescribed some sleep medication. I did not want to take it, but did until she determined via blood tests that I have a thyroid disorder. The doc then prescribed a thyroid medication and I started to feel well again.

Several months later, I had my blood drawn as requested by my doctor. Later that day, the nurse from my doctor's office called and told me that my levels were too high and that the doc wanted me to cut my dosage. I became upset with the lady and told her that I finally felt well and did not plan on complying with the doc's orders. My doc called later that evening and we discussed the issue in detail. The fact was that the topic was not really up for discussion. She would not allow me to take the medication at the dosage I enjoyed. She did not think it was safe.

Since that time, I have never felt that great. I often feel lethargic and am moody. I attribute my lack of energy to poor life choices. I do not eat as well as I should. I do not exercise as one should either. I am working on changing these things though. I attribute my moodiness to my personality (or perhaps a little to life's stressors). :)

For over a year, my grandmother urged me to see this specialist she endorses. She has my father going to him and my sister too. I finally broke down and saw him today. The new doc reviewed my labs. He asked me how I feel. I told him, "I'm fine, I guess". He asked me why I was in his office if I felt fine. Good point, I suppose. I told him about feeling better on a previous dosage of thyroid medication. I told him I often feel tired when I know I should not. He replied, "Mmm...and your concentration? How is it?". I have horrible concentration and reported the same. I then quickly added that I believe this fact to be a bi-product of my life. I told him I am accustomed to juggling many things: I have students whining, psychotic people yelling, and the other specialness that comprises my life. He replied, "You like to rationalize things away, don't you?". Hmmm...He then asked me if I am depressed. I indicated that although I clearly engage in the occasional funk and have some dark days, I do not think that I am depressed. He was silent for awhile. He reviewed my labs. He looked at me and then reviewed the numbers in front of him some more. I felt as if I were in the Principal's office and he was reviewing my file.

Finally, the doctor said, "I don't really understand how you're functioning. You're numbers are all off. You're on the wrong medication. It doesn't make any sense". He reviewed my numbers with me and showed me how they compared to 'normal' ranges. He was not kidding. I am all screwed up. The doctor gave me two new prescriptions and a series of titrations. He said, "I don't know how you actually feel now, but I know you'll be feeling much better in a week or two".

Intellectually, I understand what he told me. I understand what my body is failing to do. I also comprehend how the medication will compensate for my body's deficiencies. Yet, it does not make sense to me. I am excited about it though. In all honesty, I do not feel that bad, yet the doc thinks I should feel horrible. He thinks he can make me feel better.

If this is 'bad', how great will 'better' feel?!?