Distracted

I am distracted. There is no other word for it -- just distracted. I am unable to concentrate. I do not feel like talking with anyone. I am having a difficult time lecturing to my class. Normally when I am like this, it is because I have too many thoughts filtering through my mind. During those times, I am sorting through ideas, analyzing situations, and processing details. Right now, however, I am doing none of those things. I just sit and stare at nothing. I am in a bad mood. I am quiet.

I am positive that my mood (or whatever this should be classified as) is due to an influx of hormones. I know that this funk I seem to be in is not my choice. It is not due to a poor perspective that I hold of the world either. The thing is that I know exactly what it is all about -- and I am pissed.

I had a miscarriage a few days ago. Physically, I am fine. It really was not that big of a deal. After the trauma (or at least what I perceive as trauma) I went through a few years ago, this was a piece of cake. Yes, there was pain. Yes, there were fluids, and yes, there was stuff no one wants to see. Yet, with that said, it was brief. In addition, prior to the beginning of the whole process, I had no idea I was even pregnant. Therefore, I was not excited to bring a little one into the world. I was not daydreaming about our future together either. Instead, I was oblivious.

After I went to the hospital a couple of years ago, I was in denial. Then, I was devastated. Now, I am neither. Instead of feeling disappointed or engaging in the process of grieving, I simply feel hopeless. Do not get me wrong, I know that I have plenty of time to have a child if that is in the cards. I also know that miracles happen every day. With that in mind, however, ...ugh. I once again find myself on the Internet researching the possible reasons for a miscarriage: I could have low progesterone levels; I could have a thyroid problem; I could be a coke addict; I could have an autoimmune disease; I could drink too much caffeine; I could be a smoker; I could have physical abnormalities with my uterus; I could have genetic freakiness....the list goes on beyond that too.

The good news is that I do not have a nasty cocaine habit. I do not smoke either. With that said, however, the fact is that I do, without a doubt, have a thyroid disorder. I also have the pleasure of having an autoimmune disease (although I am lucky that I do not need treatment for it at this point), and quite honestly, I do not take good care of myself and drink too much coffee.

When incidences like this occur, I become discouraged by the facts. I become upset by the statistics. I need to remain more focused on myself though rather than becoming preoccupied with others' experiences. I need to make changes in my life and need to take steps to improve my health. For right now though, I need to get out of my funk...I need to find the strength to become a little less distracted.
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(For those of you who know me as a real-life person, please do not worry. No need to call. No need to send a card. No need to send me links to support groups. I really am okay. I am just using this as a platform to work through my thoughts. Thanks.)