Target

Friday night I found myself at Target. I went there for no particular reason. I did not need anything specific. I did not buy anything either. The point of the mission, I suppose, was to distract myself. Often, I find myself engaged in meaningless activities (such as wandering around Target) to keep myself preoccupied with life's details. I am able to occupy my mind with shiny objects and screaming children as I explore the store. Failure to do the same would cause me to retreat to the dark corners of my mind -- a place no one should be. The recesses of my mind are filled with worry, angst, and confusion. If I allow myself to retreat there for too long, I become a mess. I shut down. It seems that I cannot easily pull myself from that place either. Therefore, I find more to do.

I am not sure what specifically is bothering me at this time. I have a lot of people in my life who are ill and of whom I worry: My sister sounds like death, my mother-in-law is slowly getting progressively worse, my friend still does not feel right, and there are others too (I will not mention them here though, as I am unsure of who knows about their situations). Beyond the illnesses, I am worried about J too. I am concerned about his stress level, but am aware there is little I can do about it at this point. I can only hope that he will ask for assistance when he needs it. There is another part of me that is anxious about figuring out what I am going to do in the future and about securing employment. Although there is no particular rush, I would like to have a plan in place. I was recently offered two positions, but declined both offers because I am afraid of rushing into anything, especially since I still do not feel as if life has calmed down despite no longer working a 60+ hour week. I am also afraid of passing up opportunities that I may not be offered again in the future.

I know that I do not need to worry about all of that which I do. I know that the worry does not help, as it will not change things. Similarly, I know that the corners of my mind are mine alone and that it is okay for me to explore those areas on occasion. It seems that over analyzing is what I do. To keep things under control though, I predict that I will continue distract myself...

I suppose I will continue to pace the aisles of Target.